Father’s Day
Father’s Day - Being present!
Forgive the indulgence of this post but with Fathers day looming it got me thinking about the role of fathers and what I’ve learnt over the last 18 years ……..or not as the case may be!
I love my kids and I’m proud to see them grow and forge their own identities. One of the best rewards is seeing how they seem to be able to take the good bits of us (I’m sure I have some!) and then add to it.
It’s not easy being a Dad. There is no manual, no training program and certainly no progress reports, other than your own biased assessments!
So what have I learnt?
They don’t care about your job! It might seem important to you but it simply doesn’t register to them. How good you are at work is irrelevant to them. They only care about how you show up at home.
Being present matters. I used to take my work way too seriously and it always boiled over to my spare time. My mind was full of work. On weekends I was there but not totally there! I was always thinking of the next thing to so in the future. I wish I’d learnt this one sooner but creating boundaries and prioritising what matters to you (I.e. family, health….) is key here.
Mirroring. Watch your behaviour and language! Inevitably our children pick up and copy our traits. Good and bad! If you talk negatively, then this reinforces their language, their outlook. Remember we are all shaped by influences around us that build a character over time. Whilst we can change that when we become self aware it makes sense to try and practice what we preach.
Timing is everything, when it comes to having deep meaningful conversations with our kids. We want to know they’re ok and we want them to share their feelings but this has to be done in the right way. Just asking ‘How was your day?’ is only going to get limited response. Try asking questions like:
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A LOT?
IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT THE WORLD OR PEOPLE YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND?
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT TOGETHER?
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPIEST?
WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE MEMORY WITH OUR FAMILY?
Control. They don’t benefit from total enforced control. Yes at an early age specifically they need protection but they need room to grow, to make mistakes. I used to try and prevent everything to try and ‘teach’ them what to do. To avoid problems. It kept them alive and out of danger but I’ve learnt to ‘let things go’ more and create a space for and even encourage mistakes or as I call them ‘learning experiences’. Failure is good. Without failure we can’t grow and we can’t build resilience. Resilience is one of the key traits I want my children to have in this world.
Fun/adventure. Whilst I’m sure many mums will fit into the same category, I enjoy being the one that inspires adventure in my kids. Bike rides, jumping off cliffs into the sea, surfing, climbing. It doesn’t matter I’m keen to encourage them to ‘give it a go’ and look silly trying!
Most of all I’ve learnt to appreciate them. A cliche, but it goes so fast. I want to soak it all up and cherish the moments, the present moments. I want to be there for them.
I don’t want to be the father that was ‘always working’ and they ‘never saw around’. I want to be present. Ironically I learn so much from them and it makes we want to be better…..
It’s a bit unfortunate that my birthday falls very close to Fathers Day! But jokes aside, I know it’s a privilege to be their dad.
So, a BIG shout out to the Dad’s out there. Enjoy this time.