Why Do Men Struggle to Listen?
Let’s be honest—how many times have you found yourself in the middle of a conversation with your partner, only to realise you’ve zoned out? [Uh um…….ok, this for me is far too frequent as I’m often reminded!]
Maybe your mind drifted to that work email, or you were just waiting for your chance to respond with “the perfect solution.” And then it happens—your partner hits you with “You’re not even listening!”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. For many men, being present in conversations, especially with their significant other, doesn’t come naturally. But why is that? Are we just wired differently, or is there something deeper going on? Let’s dive into why men sometimes struggle with listening, what it does to our relationships, and how we can start getting it right.
Why Do Men Struggle to Listen?
I don’t believe that it’s not that men don’t care or don’t want to listen. In fact, most men genuinely believe they’re paying attention. But listening—really listening—is about more than hearing words. It’s about being fully present, tuning into the emotions behind the words, and resisting the urge to “fix” everything. My brain does this by default but I always put this down as my ‘problem solving’ skills in full bloom – I’m just helping surely….
John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus breaks this down brilliantly. He writes, “Men go to their caves and women talk.” Basically, when men feel stressed or overwhelmed, they tend to withdraw and focus inward, while women often seek connection through conversation. This difference in how we process emotions can lead to misunderstandings.
Here’s Why Listening Feels Hard Sometimes:
We’re Problem-Solvers: From a young age, many men are taught to fix things. So when your partner shares something like, “I’m so stressed about work,” your brain kicks into action: “How can I solve this for her?” But most of the time, she’s not looking for solutions—she just wants empathy.
Stress and Mental Overload: If your brain feels like it’s juggling 20 tabs at once, giving your partner undivided attention can feel like one more thing on your plate.
Emotional Avoidance: Let’s face it—deep, emotional conversations can be uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s easier to stay on the surface or avoid the topic altogether.
Neurodiversity (as a consideration): For some men with ADHD, autism, or sensory sensitivities, focusing in conversations or reading emotional cues can require extra effort.
Real-Life Moments That Hit Close to Home
We’ve all been there—moments where listening didn’t go quite as planned.
Scenario 1: The Missed Details
You’re scrolling on your phone while your partner talks about school options for your kids. You nod along, maybe say “Hmm, okay,” but later, when she brings up the private school she researched, you’re completely lost. Cue her frustration: “Were you even listening?!”
Scenario 2: Fixing Instead of Feeling
She’s venting about how overwhelming life feels lately. You think you’re helping by saying, “Why don’t you just make a list and prioritize?” But instead of gratitude, she snaps, “I’m not asking for solutions!” That’s because what she needed wasn’t advice—it was someone to say, “That sounds so tough. I’m here for you.”
Scenario 3: The Forgotten Task
She asks you to pick up the kids early from school, and you vaguely nod while mentally planning your next work call. A few hours later, she calls in a panic: “Why aren’t you at school?!” You respond defensively: “You never told me that!” But deep down, you know she did—you just weren’t tuned in.
These moments seem small, but over time they add up. And the truth is, it’s not just about missing details. It’s about your partner feeling like they’re not seen, heard, or valued. Trust me this is not good.
Are Men to Blame, or Are We Just Wired Differently?
Now, before you start beating yourself up, let’s set the record straight. This isn’t about fault—it’s about understanding.
Yes, there’s some truth to the idea that men and women communicate differently. As Gray puts it, “Men view communication as a means to an end, while women use it to connect.” Biologically, studies have shown that men’s brains are often more task-focused, while women’s brains have stronger connections between the areas that process emotion and language.
But here’s the truth: Being “wired differently” doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. It just means that listening might take a bit more effort, intention, and practice—and that’s something you can control. If you’re like me then re-read that last bit -‘more effort, intention, and practice’.
The Cost of Poor Listening
When you’re not fully present in conversations, it’s not just frustrating—it can chip away at your relationship over time. This applies to me and certainly I hear similar stories from my clients that highlight the following:
Emotional Disconnection: Your partner might start to feel like you don’t care, even if you do. Over time, that distance grows.
Arguments and Resentment: When details are missed or emotions are ignored, it leads to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict.
Erosion of Trust: If your partner doesn’t feel heard or understood, they may stop sharing altogether. That’s when real intimacy starts to break down.
Gray said it best: “When a man can listen to a woman's feelings without getting angry or frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes her feel loved and cherished.”
How to Become a Better Listener
Listening isn’t about perfection—it’s about showing up. This is not an exhaustive list, but here’s how you can start making real changes:
1. Be Present
Put your phone down. Turn off the TV. Give your partner your full attention—it shows you value what they’re saying.
2. Listen to Understand, Not to Fix
Resist the urge to jump in with advice. Instead, try saying, “That sounds really hard. How are you feeling about it?”
3. Pause Before Responding
Take a moment to think: Are you about to empathize or shift the focus to yourself?
4. Reflect What You Hear
Try paraphrasing back what they’ve said: “So you’re feeling frustrated with work because you’re overwhelmed?” It shows you’re truly listening.
5. Own It When You Mess Up
If you catch yourself zoning out, don’t get defensive. Say, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t fully present. Can you say that again? I want to understand.” (I use this a lot)
6. Set an Intention for Presence
Before engaging in a conversation, mentally commit: “I’m here to listen, not to solve.”
Final Thoughts
Here’s the thing: Listening is a skill. It’s not something you’re automatically good at—it’s something you work on. And boy, I know I’ve had to really work on this. The good news? Small, intentional changes can make a big difference.
Next time your partner starts a conversation, pause. Put aside your distractions and really tune in. Listen not just to the words, but to the emotions behind them. You’ll be amazed at how much closer it brings you.
As Gray said, “The most frequent complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen.” Let’s start changing that narrative—one conversation at a time.
THE WAY WE LISTEN TO OTHERS MATTERS.
So, what will you do differently next time your partner speaks?